They should really pass out barf bags in church
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Randomize
