Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
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