in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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