Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
