i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Randomize
