I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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