I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
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