Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
oh well at that point I was already depressed with life because I had watched the bratz movie.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
