Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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