i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
Randomize
