She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
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