I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
Randomize
