I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
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i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
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She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Oh god it's open bar.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
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