Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
