Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?
that's gum
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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