Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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