dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
Randomize
