im six kinds of drunk right now
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
