I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Randomize
