Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
Watching boy meets world, drinking left over pink panty droppers and coloring in a my little pony coloring book. This is my Monday night
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Randomize
