I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I woke up naked in a tent. I was more upset that the air mattress had deflated.
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