I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
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