Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
im pretty sure there are laws against slapping prostitutes
i'm pretty sure there are laws against prostitutes.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
