Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
