i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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