i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
