So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
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