All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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