I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
