half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
