is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
