Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
Randomize
