we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
