We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
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You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
Dude, I swear her tits are going to give me a concusion.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
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OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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