This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Also what’s the official rule on washing one guy’s jizz off my back before I go out with another guy? That I should?
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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