addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
