I skipped work to stalk him.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Are we hungover?
I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
