My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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