she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
We should have a mid-burrito sex-break, too. Just so we don't get too full all at once
Good point.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
