I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We were having sex and he started doing some weird swivel move. I was like wtf and he said sorry just trying to pop my knee.
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
