I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
Randomize
