I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
