i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
It was confusing and full of hummus
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
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