then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
