3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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