One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Randomize
