No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
say 'i' if you broke up a fight involving your father at TD bank today....
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You peed on a flamingo?!?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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