He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
