Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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