why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
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