i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
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