i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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