My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Randomize
