I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....
.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Randomize
