so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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