I think i peed on brittanys purse
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I might as well rub my vagina against it before I throw it away.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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