"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Randomize
