I can't believe he cheated
Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Randomize
