remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Clothes are such an inconvenience.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Damn. Looks like nobody I know is doing anything interesting. Guess it's another slut-it-up-with-strangers sort of night.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
