Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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